december 31, 2008

i need a mechanicsville.

december 29, 2008

i see the number 29 everywhere, because i'm not supposed to forget. i'm supposed to get used to remembering. i am, slowly. it's less painful.

i need someone.

december 26, 2008

today was normal.

december 25, 2008

i've been really good today; only one slip up, but i didn't cry.

december 24, 2008

i refuse to let this get the best of me.

december 23, 2008

i can feel everything slipping out from under me.

december 22, 2008

all this talk of depression and therapists is scaring me.

december 21, 2008

yes, yes that's it. i wish people would stop telling me what i need. yes, i know you've been through this before, and yes, i know you have more experience than me. but you know what? i'm not you. i'm shelby leigh bowen, and only i know what i need.

december 20, 2008

i miss how effortlessly happy i used to be. i miss my optimism. i miss being carefree. i miss never remembering the last time i'd cried. i miss hardly arguing with anyone. i miss being someone people could actually count on. i miss being confident. i miss being whole. i miss feeling pretty. i miss hardly ever being angry. i miss smiling without having to try. i miss being completely content with life. i miss laughing for no reason. i miss how i was.

and i wish i knew how to fix it.

december 18, 2008

the kind of support i want isn't the kind a friend can give. so, in essence, i'm screwed. it took me a little over seventeen years to get into a serious relationship; what are the chances it's going to happen again anytime soon?

december 17, 2008

i'm scared that i'll be going to prom alone.

december 16, 2008

....i don't think i can do this.

december 15, 2008

i miss you.

december 14, 2008

i wish jealousy had an off switch.

december 13, 2008

i'm sorry for being so off. i need to just...get over this.

december 12, 2008

it's moments like those that remind me how loosely i'm held together.

december 11, 2008

I JUST WANT TO--but I can't.

(if i want you to know, you'd already know
and, that's only one person.)

december 10, 2008

christie, i hope you're wrong about that. i really don't have the energy to deal with it.

december 9, 2008

you know what? kelsey's kind of cute.

there, i said it.

december 8, 2008

i love making peace with people. it's so refreshing.

december 7, 2008

i can actually go a few hours without thinking about you now. i'm hoping it'll stay like that after the show, too.

december 4, 2008

people interest me. i adore people-watching when i'm in public areas and i tend to be very observant of people, in general. sometimes it probably looks kind of creepy. i really enjoy studying the details of clothing, how hair falls, etc. in all of this careful observation, i tend to find people that i really want to take pictures of. however, i'm usually too shy to ask, for fear of sounding, well...creepy.

december 2, 2008

i'm actually really excited about christmas this year.

december 1, 2008

this month, everything will improve. i will pull myself together.

november 30, 2008

"New Moon"
Chapter 4, Waking Up

very difficult to read. it felt too real.

november 24, 2008

i'm sorry, mr. wolf. i really am. i'll get it together.

november 23, 2008

is it weird that i'm more inspired by sadness and death? or that i have an easier time acting out said emotions?

november 20, 2008

"There is only one way to really get over someone who you have been in love with, and that is to become another person. This is really the only reason why people fall out of love with each other. The fights, and tantrums, the small and big flaws (she makes that noise when she chews, he has no ambition) are never enough to really make you fall out of love. Feel betrayed, or irritated or angry, yes. But falling out of love requires shift of perspective, and thus, shift of desire. Like looking at an old shirt and thinking, 'God, how could I have ever thought that was cool?" Sometimes we do it together, each person growing and changing till you turn around and look at each other and know that's it, except for nostalgia. Sometimes it happens while you are still together, whether you want it to or not, and it hurts like hell, wishing you were still capable of being that person you used to be, the one who fell in love, the one your lover fell in love with. Sometimes it doesn't happen till a long, long time afterwards, and there is still the three-in-the-morning ache, the in-jokes with their pointed poignancy, the missing."

yes. i see it.

november 17, 2008

i used to feel i could wait for that "certain someone", but now i wish they'd hurry up. i'm constantly reminded, now, that you're out there. constantly reminded i deserve better, when really, i think i just deserve what i want.

which makes no sense. i just hate going along with the majority.

november 13, 2008

i never feel like i'm good enough, and the only person that's really holding me back is myself.

november 9, 2008

this weekend was good, but i did find it hard to enjoy myself at the rave. i remembered when we used to talk about going.

november 6, 2008

i worry. i wait and see if you'll do something to take the worry away, reassure me that i have no need, but you always seem off nowadays. i guess the most i can do is be there, without always reminding you i'm there. just be there and wait for you to come.

november 4, 2008

and suddenly, i miss you again. but i'm okay.

november 3, 2008

this weekend is Nekocon, and i couldn't be more excited. this is my weekend away...

november 2, 2008

thank you, patrick.

november 1, 2008

i'm kind of...proud of myself for yesterday. it sounds dumb, but it was an accomplishment for me. the day before was good, too.

october 29, 2008

10.29.08.
would've been five. oh well.

i've been dreading this day. so much. i knew i'd fall apart all over again. my goal was 6, and we didn't make it.

october 28, 2008

i had a dream last night, and it was good. i've never remembered a dream so vivdily.

side note:
"october 1, 2008
i have this sinking feeling that this will be a bad month."
weird that it came completely true.

it was never aimed at anyone specific.

october 27, 2008

am i anything to anyone anymore? am i important? i feel like i never leave any impact. lashelle says my impact isn't like a car crash; it's a slow and lasting impression. i wish i could see it.

october 26, 2008

...these 2 weeks have felt like 2 days. it still feels like it all happened yesterday.

october 25, 2009

All I know is that you're so nice; you're the nicest thing I've seen. I wish that we could give it a go, see if we could be something. I wish I was your favourite girl. I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world. I wish I was your favourite smile. I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style. I wish you couldn't figure me out, but you always wanna know what I was about. I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset. I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met. I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly, 'cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see. Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn't eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep. All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen. I wish that we could see if we could be something.

...i'm sorry that i still feel like this.



kate nash - the nicest thing

october 22, 2008

i'm learning that i'm hard to manage at my worst. not only for myself, but for everyone. i'm at a point where i can't seem to really commit to moving on, but i hate where i am. part of me is still holding on. i need to let go, but i don't want to.

october 21, 2008

i'm happier when we're talking. i was joking around, and talking about everything like it was nothing. it's not nothing, but i was surprising myself.

but...old habits are hard to break.

october 20, 2008

i sleep with that box in the corner of my bed because, despite how angry that made me, i still miss you. and i want to talk to you, but i'm not ready to hear about her, or see you with her on a regular basis. i just can't make myself happy for you yet.

it'll be a while before i can be happy with someone else.

october 19, 2008

i want to meet someone else, but it's hard to picture myself with someone else. either way, now is not the time.

october 18, 2008

whenever i start thinking too much about everything that's happened, i get this nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

slightly more over it, but not there yet.

october 16, 2008

when someone leaves after cheering me up, i can't manage to keep smiling once they leave.

october 15, 2008

today was the first time that i have ever gotten angry to the point of getting dizzy. i had to pull over when i was driving home.

october 14, 2008

i get jealous.
i'm still not over it.

(but i didn't cry today)

october 13, 2008

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home.

still not over it.

october 12, 2008

still not over it.

october 11, 2008

i didn't think it was possible to feel this low.

october 7, 2008

i hate this. i hate that it's my fault. i hate that i was such a hypocrite. i'm sorry.

october 6, 2008

thanks for asking.

*note the sarcasm.

october 5, 2008

tiy'ew bir la nlryew la tiy rgubj tiy lew. tiy glcw tiye ninwbra, vyr tiy'ew arukk hyar l xguks. u giow ibw slt tiu'kk dufyew ur iyr.

october 1, 2008

i have this sinking feeling that this will be a bad month.

september 29, 2008

my goal is six; just two more months to go. we can do it. i love you <3

september 27, 2008

i hate walking away from you.

september 25, 2008

thinking too much gets me into trouble.

september 23, 2008

you talk to me about other's all the time, and it makes me wonder...do you talk about me like that?

september 22, 2008

our boundaries have been completely removed. we've been given complete artistic freedom. this will be 100% ours'. no one else will ever have anything like this. this will expose us for all that we are.

i couldn't be more excited to start on senior production.

september 19, 2008

i hate this distance. i see you everyday, but i still feel so far away from you. we're never alone together for more than 5 seconds and it's really starting to get to me.

september 18, 2008

from this point on, i will graciously accept every role i'm given. i don't just mean in theatre, i mean in life as a whole.

september 16, 2008

i don't believe that the better person is always the more experienced person.

september 15, 2008

i cannot wait to get out of my house and do things on my own, but i always have this feeling in the back of my mind that i'm going to fail.

september 13, 2008

yesterday, i realized that i'm afraid of horses.

september 8, 2008

it seriously bewilders me that my father, the man i say i have so many issues with...treated my coming out calmly. and maturely. and he talked to me like a clam, mature adult.

the minute he said "you're my daughter. i love you, regardless." i broke into tears.

september 7, 2008

i want to see you. i want to feel you. i want to hear you. i want you, here. always.

september 4, 2008

it really does bother me that i don't do this daily, like i used to.

september 3, 2008

i will do anything for my art.
i am stubborn. i am ambious. i am strong.

september 1, 2008

lately, any kind of eating makes me nauseous.

august 30, 2008

self-discovery.

"An oral fixation (also oral craving) is a fixation in the oral stage of development manifested by an obsession with stimulating the mouth first described by Sigmund Freud, who thought infants are naturally and adaptively in an oral stage, but if weaned too early or too late, may fail to resolve the conflicts of this stage and develop a maladaptive oral fixation. In later life, these people may constantly "hunger" for activities involving the mouth.
Oral Receptive: The Oral receptive personality is preoccupied with eating/drinking and reduces tension through oral activity such as eating, drinking, smoking, biting nails, gnawing on plastic bottles. They are generally passive, needy and sensitive to rejection. They will easily 'swallow' other people's ideas."

i bite my lip, my nails and the inside of my cheeks. i chew on straws, plastic tags, plastic lollipop sticks, etc.

august 28, 2008

time flies.

august 25, 2008

it was hard to bring it up, but now that we've talked about it, i feel we've gotten closer.

i love you <33

august 24, 2008

i want you.

august 23, 2008

i don't remove people from my life over silly arguements. you've got to fuck up pretty bad if you want out of my life.

august 20, 2008

"when are you planning on telling them?"

everyone asks me that, but it's not something you do. it's a touchy subject that can't just be blurted out. especially not this soon. i want to be 100% sure of whatever i'm telling them.

now, in saying that, i'd also like to say this: christie is not my experiment. at least, not for that (it's my first serious relationship, anything we do is experimentation). i think about her all the time, i'm not myself when i don't see her, i know i have feelings for her. don't doubt me.

august 19, 2008

How's your heart lately?
it's not currently in my possession.

didn't even have to hesitate.

august 18, 2008

i don't like the style i draw in. it's too...round.

august 17, 2008

sometimes i have days, like today for example, when i just feel really good-looking.

august 16, 2008

any time i freeze or back away, it's not because of you.

august 14, 2008

these are getting harder and harder to write. i can't seem to delve any deeper.

august 13, 2008

i want this school year to start, because i have a feeling this will be the most exciting yet.

august 10, 2008

there are certain people that'd i'd do anything for, no matter the time or place. those people happen to be devon, lashelle, ash and christie.

august 9, 2008

i want live for myself, to be myself and to share myself with others.

august 6, 2008

is number one still true? i feel like i'm being clingy or annoying or...something. it might not come off this way, but i'm always worrying about that. regardless of how much i talk about relationships and give some people advice, i don't really know anything.

august 5, 2008

i'm no dominator.

august 3, 2008

i wish i could wake up in your arms just one more time.

july 31, 2008

for once, i had no idea what to do. the minute i saw that bracelet, my mind froze.

july 29, 2008

two months without too many bumps. let's shoot for three.

july 27, 2008

almost all of my family is thin and fit. some cousins play sports, one was a model (not a huge professional)...you get my point. i always felt so insecure whenever i went to see them, because i was never thin and fit. i didn't play sports. i was reclusive.

this thanksgiving we're going to see them, and i'm determined to show them a new me.

july 26, 2008

i worry, too. so much.

july 25, 2008

last night, i had a dream. i was talking to someone about the whole sarah thing, and then she showed up. she yelled at me, then i told her what i've wanted to say to her ever since that arguement. only, i don't know what that is.

july 24, 2008

i hate not knowing exactly what to do.

july 22, 2008

i guess i'm more affectionate than i thought.

july 20, 2008

in nine days, we'll have made it two months.

july 17, 2008

"the only thing i know for sure is that i'm confused."

july 16, 2008

lately, i haven't been very inspired. i've done a bit of photography, i've made a few decent videos and...that's it. for some reason, nothing's moving up there.

july 15, 2008

when it comes to my best friends, back off.

july 14, 2008

my mind always seems to find it's way back to you before i fall asleep.

july 13, 2008

when i read the thoughts of people like devon or mike, i often get quite envious. the way they look at things, describe things, everything just makes me feel so inadequate. i see things similarly to the way they do, but i'm not skilled enough to convey my opinion in such a nice, intelligent manner. i feel as though i'm regressing.

july 12, 2008

my tastes and opinions change very often. take, forexample, my screenames. i tire of them quickly.

july 10, 2008

i still see myself as i used to be - overweight. even though i'm not, i always seem to still look at myself that way. i'm still a little uncomfortable in just a tank top, in a bathing suit, anything with my stomach showing, etc.

july 9, 2008

i may have never been in a serious relationship before, but i know there are certain things that need to be there; trust, love, communication, listening, etc.

july 8, 2008

there's a time and a place for everything. i believe that one should be mature and reserved when the situation calls for it, but that's no way to live you life. if i'm mistaken for a freshman simply becuase i'm allowing myself to have some fun, that's not my problem.

july 7, 2008

i simply cannot seem to grasp that this is will be my last year of high school. after that, i can finally move on with my life.

july 6, 2008

i am a very physical person. not sexually; i just like that connection.

july 5, 2008

in most situations, it's best to tell me the truth. i'll be much more upset if i find out that you lied. trust is very important to me.

july 3, 2008

i've never been one to heavily depend on others for my own happiness. maybe that's not necessarily a good thing?

july 2, 2008

one hour and eight minutes into july 2nd, and i've come to the conclusion that i wish my voice wasn't limited to katenash-colbiecailiat-thehushsound-reginaspektor stuff.

one hour and nine minutes into july 2nd, and i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be.

july 1, 2008

all relationships are made up of fear, disagreements, worries, memories (be they good or bad), trust, arguements, questions, dependancy, independancy and love.

june 30, 2008

when someone is upset and i don't know what to say to make them feel better, a small part of me feels like i've failed them.

june 29, 2008

i love almost all kinds of music (genres), but i tend to only listen to1 or 2 at a time. the transitions are always irritating, because certain songs suddenly start to annoy me.

june 28, 2008

it feels like all i ever hear from my dad is bad jokes and things like "clean your room", "clean your car" or "you need a job". i don't remember the last time i heard him say "i love you". i'm just now getting to a point where i just...don't care. due to the fact that he was in the navy, he wasn't here for a majority of my youth; he wasn't even here when i was born. because of his frequent absence, i never developed a strong bond with him. it seems as though the only thing we have between us is his constant struggle to raise me to a standard that i don't want to meet.

june 26-27, 2008

i am, officially, a full believer in ghosts.

june 25, 2008

i've always been a very independant person and i don't always need someone to make me happy. it's new for me to be needed.

june 24, 2008

i've always wanted to leave a lasting impression on someone, but i've never figured out how to do it. maybe i'll do want we were talking about, only slightly different.

june 23, 2008

i find it to be a huge confidence boost when someone tries to hit on me, regardless of how bad they are at it.

;] devon, that was hilarious.

june 22, 2008

i'm tired almost 70% of the time, and i have no clue why. maybe because i don't drink enough water? maybe because i don't sleep enough? maybe because i'm lazy?

june 21, 2008

as crazy and strange as i usually act...i'm usualyl most inspired when it comes to very serious subjects. weird?

june 20, 2008

death scares me, more than anything. not my own death, but the death of someone close to me. i don't think i could ever handle that.

june 18, 2008

i never know what to do when people close to me are seriously upset. everything i say seems pointless. then i do things like this, which makes me feel selfish, because it feels like i'm turning it around so people feel bad for me. i'm not. i'm simply stating a fact; i don't want your sympathy.

june 17, 2008

maybe my open-mindedness makes it harder for me to catch onto things? i seem to always give people the benifit of the doubt. in her case, i'm glad i did, but what if not everyone deserves it? and what if i don't see that?

june 16, 2008

music like t.A.T.u and within temptation always give me the most inspiration. i'm currently planning a Death Note mini-movie, using the song "angels" by within temptation, and my mind's going wild.

june 15, 2008

due to my weekend plans, my daily updates were...not made.

because of those plans, i have also come to learn that i do not do well with limited food and sleep when in large crowds.

june 12, 2008

at first, i thought i might be pushing myself too quickly. at first, what other people kept saying got to me. at first, i wasn't sure. at first, i was insecure. at first, i was shy.

now, i'm opening up my mind and my heart to this new experience, and taking it head on.

june 11, 2008

i feel as though a new side of me is beginning to show through. a side that i've, apparently, been hiding. or barracading. i'm not really sure, myself.

june 10, 2008

i'm slowly starting to get past that second-guessing thing. slowly, but surely, i'm trying to ignore that little voice saying "but what if...?" in the back on my mind.

june 9, 2008

ever since that night, i've realized that i hate sleeping alone. i just like sleeping with her. i don't mean in a sexual way...just, sleeping. it's relaxing.

june 8, 2008

so, she came. we pretty much just cuddled the entire time. i did start to feel like i was being too clingy, though...

june 7, 2008

it's kind of irritating that i'm finally in a relationship for a party, but she can't come. i'm taking that ring with me.

<33

june 6, 2008

i hate that i second-guess myself so much that it stops me from doing things. half the time, i want to hold your hand. i want to kiss you. i want to hold you. but i'm always scared i'll do something wrong, and look really dumb. so i don't do anything.

i'm sorry.

june 5, 2008

i have never felt so confident coming out of an audition. it feels really nice. i'm just hoping that i'm not getting myself worked up for nothing. that thought always haunts me, in the back of my mind...

june 4, 2008

she seems to have changed since we started going out...i kind of like to think i have something to do with it. for the longest time, i've felt as though i haven't left a lasting mark on anyone. i've felt like i'm simply a speed limit sign on their road of life, or something metaphoric like that. maybe i'm making her realize she's been speeding?

maybe this is just the selfish side of me showing it's tiny little head. the part of me that thrives on the fact that i'm needed. perhaps this is the part of me that wants attention? for so many years of my life, i've been invisible. maybe this side is tired of being the quiet girl in the back of the room.

hopefully i can coax this part of me out by the end of next year, so people will have someone to say goodbye to.

june 3, 2008

i wonder if people understand how important my alone time is to me. i need time to let my mind wander where ever it damn well pleases, without having to worry if people care. i need that time. though, i'm hoping i'll find someone to think with me, imagine with me...and not care where we go.