june 30, 2008

when someone is upset and i don't know what to say to make them feel better, a small part of me feels like i've failed them.

june 29, 2008

i love almost all kinds of music (genres), but i tend to only listen to1 or 2 at a time. the transitions are always irritating, because certain songs suddenly start to annoy me.

june 28, 2008

it feels like all i ever hear from my dad is bad jokes and things like "clean your room", "clean your car" or "you need a job". i don't remember the last time i heard him say "i love you". i'm just now getting to a point where i just...don't care. due to the fact that he was in the navy, he wasn't here for a majority of my youth; he wasn't even here when i was born. because of his frequent absence, i never developed a strong bond with him. it seems as though the only thing we have between us is his constant struggle to raise me to a standard that i don't want to meet.

june 26-27, 2008

i am, officially, a full believer in ghosts.

june 25, 2008

i've always been a very independant person and i don't always need someone to make me happy. it's new for me to be needed.

june 24, 2008

i've always wanted to leave a lasting impression on someone, but i've never figured out how to do it. maybe i'll do want we were talking about, only slightly different.

june 23, 2008

i find it to be a huge confidence boost when someone tries to hit on me, regardless of how bad they are at it.

;] devon, that was hilarious.

june 22, 2008

i'm tired almost 70% of the time, and i have no clue why. maybe because i don't drink enough water? maybe because i don't sleep enough? maybe because i'm lazy?

june 21, 2008

as crazy and strange as i usually act...i'm usualyl most inspired when it comes to very serious subjects. weird?

june 20, 2008

death scares me, more than anything. not my own death, but the death of someone close to me. i don't think i could ever handle that.

june 18, 2008

i never know what to do when people close to me are seriously upset. everything i say seems pointless. then i do things like this, which makes me feel selfish, because it feels like i'm turning it around so people feel bad for me. i'm not. i'm simply stating a fact; i don't want your sympathy.

june 17, 2008

maybe my open-mindedness makes it harder for me to catch onto things? i seem to always give people the benifit of the doubt. in her case, i'm glad i did, but what if not everyone deserves it? and what if i don't see that?

june 16, 2008

music like t.A.T.u and within temptation always give me the most inspiration. i'm currently planning a Death Note mini-movie, using the song "angels" by within temptation, and my mind's going wild.

june 15, 2008

due to my weekend plans, my daily updates were...not made.

because of those plans, i have also come to learn that i do not do well with limited food and sleep when in large crowds.

june 12, 2008

at first, i thought i might be pushing myself too quickly. at first, what other people kept saying got to me. at first, i wasn't sure. at first, i was insecure. at first, i was shy.

now, i'm opening up my mind and my heart to this new experience, and taking it head on.

june 11, 2008

i feel as though a new side of me is beginning to show through. a side that i've, apparently, been hiding. or barracading. i'm not really sure, myself.

june 10, 2008

i'm slowly starting to get past that second-guessing thing. slowly, but surely, i'm trying to ignore that little voice saying "but what if...?" in the back on my mind.

june 9, 2008

ever since that night, i've realized that i hate sleeping alone. i just like sleeping with her. i don't mean in a sexual way...just, sleeping. it's relaxing.

june 8, 2008

so, she came. we pretty much just cuddled the entire time. i did start to feel like i was being too clingy, though...

june 7, 2008

it's kind of irritating that i'm finally in a relationship for a party, but she can't come. i'm taking that ring with me.

<33

june 6, 2008

i hate that i second-guess myself so much that it stops me from doing things. half the time, i want to hold your hand. i want to kiss you. i want to hold you. but i'm always scared i'll do something wrong, and look really dumb. so i don't do anything.

i'm sorry.

june 5, 2008

i have never felt so confident coming out of an audition. it feels really nice. i'm just hoping that i'm not getting myself worked up for nothing. that thought always haunts me, in the back of my mind...

june 4, 2008

she seems to have changed since we started going out...i kind of like to think i have something to do with it. for the longest time, i've felt as though i haven't left a lasting mark on anyone. i've felt like i'm simply a speed limit sign on their road of life, or something metaphoric like that. maybe i'm making her realize she's been speeding?

maybe this is just the selfish side of me showing it's tiny little head. the part of me that thrives on the fact that i'm needed. perhaps this is the part of me that wants attention? for so many years of my life, i've been invisible. maybe this side is tired of being the quiet girl in the back of the room.

hopefully i can coax this part of me out by the end of next year, so people will have someone to say goodbye to.

june 3, 2008

i wonder if people understand how important my alone time is to me. i need time to let my mind wander where ever it damn well pleases, without having to worry if people care. i need that time. though, i'm hoping i'll find someone to think with me, imagine with me...and not care where we go.