November 14, 2009

The calm before the storm;

Things are so close to changing,
I can hardly keep myself contained.

October 15, 2009

I'M GETTING OUT.

October 13, 2009

Note to self.

October 10, 2009

I have trouble getting up because I know today will be just the same as yesterday.

October 5, 2009

I feel like I'm wasting my life, and I can't stand it.

September 15, 2009

I'm considering deleting this...

September 9, 2009

Today I realized that here, I am not average.

September 4, 2009

Only 2 minutes left. I want autumn right now.

August 20, 2009

Today, I start college.

august 9, 2009

BEST. BIRTHDAY SHOPPING. EVER.

august 4, 2009

my mom lost it yesterday, and i have no idea what happens from here. she's staying in her room and asks my dad to make sure we're not downstairs or in the hall when she comes out to smoke or something. "she doesn't want to face anybody yet." he says. i don't know what to say either.

july 31, 2009

this will be easier when school starts.

july 27, 2009

lonely.

july 26, 2009

nothing.

july 22, 2009

flowing from one, right into the other.

july 18,2009

today was nice :)

july 17, 2009

this is the 6,755^th day of my life.

july 16, 2009

and this has been another day in the life of Shelby.

july 15, 2009

you know what, dad?

FUCK. YOU.

july 14, 2009

i don't need someone to make me happy - i need someone to make me whole.

july 11, 2009

i'm not excited for college because, really, nothing's changing. i'm still going to live at home, i'm still going to have the same job and i'm still going to be lonely.

july 10, 2009

monotony / can't wait for Nekocon

july 8, 2009

my father is unemployed.

july 1, 2009

my family is so messed up. my mom was going to apply me to a college i told her i didn't want to go to and not tell me about it. my dad always tells me to take responsibility and start acting like an adult, but whenever i try, he treats me like i'm thirteen. they ask me to talk to my sister when she's having a pre-teen freak out instead of talking to her themselves. my dad walks around like he owns everything in the house, even though my mom has a job and contributes. the first thing my dad does when he comes home is start bossing shannon and i around. he tells us not to eat on the couch, but then goes and does it himself because it's "his furniture". we don't talk about the serious stuff; we argue.

i don't think anyone else sees this.

june 30, 2009

time to talk.

june 28, 2009

i'm in a terrible mood.

june 26, 2009

i feel a change coming on; please let the rest of me be willing.

june 25, 2009

nice chat.

june 24, 2009

:)

june 22, 2009

and i am overcome with longing.

june 21, 2009

moments of immaturity.

june 18, 2009

today, i graduated from high school.

june 17, 2009

and i have no more answers than before, but i'll keep looking.

june 15, 2009

i bought a poloroid today :)

june 14, 2009

no worries, no second-guessing. just a natural flow.

june 13, 2009

"i hate being single, but i don't feel like dealing with all the drama relationships cause."

june 11, 2009

my senior class is crazy.

june 10, 2009

:)

june 9, 2009

i have a wall up between myself and really doing that monologue.

june 8, 2009

everything is simpler. everything is solitary, yet spontaneous. everything is clearer. everything is alright. everything is one person when you're in love.

june 7, 2009

(wow, what have i been doing?)

nothing is really happening.

june 3, 2009

hasn't hit yet.

june 2, 2009

i'm an academy alumni.

june 1, 2009

um...the countdown began? i have nothing to say today.

may 31, 2009

tomorrow begins the count-down to the end of my high school career.

may 30, 2009

senior year is really coming to an end...

may 29, 2009

i'm finally getting excited about graduation.

may 28, 2009

show went well :)

may 27, 2009

i'm not going to the college i want, and it has nothing to do with me.

may 26, 2009

i get very touchy when it comes the theatre.

may 24, 2009

New York was everything i thought it'd be. i can't wait to go again.

may 21, 2009

still lonely.

may 20, 2009

my year is picking up :)

may 18, 2009

today, i did absolutely nothing :)

may 17, 2009

there are so many things that the economy need not waste money on.

may 16, 2009

i really want this feeling to go away.

may 15, 2009

no matter who i meet or talk to or hang out with, i feel lonely.

may 14, 2009

i have a tendancy to care strongly about the warefell of people who i hardly know.

may 13, 2009

it's something to think about.

may 12, 2009

monotonous.

may 11, 2009

i feel like i can't change anything.

may 10, 2009

i feel like changing everything...

may 7, 2009

i've found my inspiration for video-making :) you'll see plenty of new ones soon.

may 6, 2009

i think i'm getting better at photographing inanimate objects.

may 5, 2009

lonely / karma

may 4, 2009

balance.

may 3, 2009

sure i'm good at a lot of things, but there's nothing i'm great at.
and i'm never satisfied with what i already have. always more.

may 2, 2009

i really, really hate having a job. i miss weekends when i had no obligations and everything was spontaneous, but no. now it's "well, i have to see if i'm working or not. so...maybe?" i'm so sick of it. the money i get never even goes to anything important. it's just for stupid things like fast food and impulse-buys.

infomercials are ridiculous and i'm in a terrible mood.

april 30, 2009

we must be strong.

april 29, 2009

weird to think that it was a year ago; doesn't feel like it.

april 28, 2009

i'm so sick of masterclasses.

april 27, 2009

rest & relaxation & masterclass reflections.

april 25, 2009

i am so tired.

april 24, 2009

i'm anxious to start :)

april 23, 2009

"i will defy the odds."

april 22, 2009

i will prove every one of you stupid assholes wrong.

april 21, 2009

i'm letting you come to me.

april 19, 2009

school sounds so unpleasant.

april 18, 2009

i guess i messed up.

april 16, 2009

i'm scared.

april 15, 2009

i think, therefore i know nothing.

april 14, 2009

i need to stop and gather and think.

april 13, 2009

the only thing that sounds nice right now is going to his house and sitting on his couch and watching movies.

april 12, 2009

nothing happened today.

april 11, 2009

my father is a selfish asshole.

april 10, 2009

so, so easy.

april 9, 2009

part of me is highly frustrated that just as something good finally comes into my life, i learn that it will soon be taken away. however, the other part of me has no fears of us not making it work. i just can't believe how attached to you i already feel - like it's been longer than just 3 days.

april 8, 2009

determination.

april 7, 2009

this is so different for me, and i love it.

april 6, 2009

there was only one thing that made today worth it and it wasn't as nice as it could've been because i second-guess myself constantly.

april 5, 2009

the best things always manage to find you when you're not really looking.

april 4, 2009

i don't write in cursive. ever.

march 31, 2009

i wasn't being listened to, but i didn't back down, and i won't.

march 29, 2009

i have some serious jealousy issues.

march 28, 2009

bad mood today.

march 27, 2009

bad things happen to good people because they never see it coming.

march 26, 2009

college is a touchy subject for me right now.

march 25, 2009

i should sing more often.

march 24, 2009

i get obsessive with my characters.

march 23, 2009

i try to write down any idea i ever have.
________________

despite my college situation, despite the stress of senior production, despite the fact that i have only 21/70 masterclass hours and despite that i still feel lonely sometimes, smiling isn't hard anymore :)

march 22, 2009

that made me feel so much older.

march 20, 2009

having a plan makes me feel better.

march 19, 2009

i hate causing drama and i hate being yelled at and i hate today.

march 18, 2009

i enjoy creating storylines out of nothing.

march 17, 2009

in the end, i'm always going to be okay.

march 16, 2009

i adore jazz music.

march 15, 2009

there is a huge voice inside me, just itching to get out.
_______________________

i'm not the type to take shit from just anybody. if someone keeps poking at me, they better expect me to react.

march 14, 2009

a lot of nice little coincidences have happened lately.

march 13, 2009

what's happened to me?

march 10, 2009

nothing happened today, but i feel oddly satisfied.

march 9, 2009

i....i really like romanian accents.

march 8, 2009

today is uncomfortable.

march 7, 2009

bleh.

march 6, 2009

there's still a void, but i don't want you to fill it anymore. it's time for someone else :]

march 5, 2009

i hate naps.

march 4, 2009

i have successfully survived my first tattoo.

march 3, 2009

i really hate wearing pants.

march 2, 2009

i want to be someone's everything.

march 1, 2009

i feel horrible. i'm going back to bed.

february 28, 2009

it's a cruel cycle.

february 26, 2009

i have grown so much.

february 25, 2009

"it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is."

february 22, 2009

i find it ironic that my favorite toy when i was young was rocky the raccoon.

february 21, 2009

i don't want to go to prom alone.

february 19, 2009

dear world,

my name is shelby leigh bowen;
my nicknames are shelbster and DiSK0,
both of which were given to me by my best friends.
in the past 9 months, someone came into my life
and turned it completely upside down.
she brought about the best 4 months of my life,
and the worst 3 months i've ever faced.
however, in these last 2 months,
i've come to one simple conclusion:

despite everything negative that has happened,
i love my friends, i love my life and i love myself.

sincerely,
shelby.

P.S. you can throw whatever you want my way; i'm invincible.

february 18, 2009

right now, nothing is bothering me. i am completely content. at this moment, everything is perfect.

february 17, 2009

i have never been that nervous before a show, and i wasn't even on stage.

february 16, 2009

so, we're okay?
______________

it's your choice, and i have no reason to be angry. i know that. the only thing that bothers is that every friend i have that ever made the same promise to themselves, has also broken it. will i do the same?

february 15, 2009

just once...i'd like to have a valentine. it's another one of those stupid little things that sounds nice.

february 14, 2009

daisies.

february 13, 2009

i faltered.

february 12, 2009

i'm okay.

february 11, 2009

sometimes, i feel like i'm supposed to be okay with being forgotten.

february 10, 2009

every mushygushy thing you say about her that you didn't say about me makes me a little more jealous, but i've got some nerves of steeeeel.

february 9, 2009

i take my music seriously.

february 8, 2009

people never think of phases as phases until they are passed them.

february 7, 2008

busy days leave me tired, but feeling more...fulfilled.

february 6, 2009

today gets an "E".

february 5, 2009

i found that journal entry i wrote about the first night i stayed at your house. i read it, andi didn't cry. surprising.

february 4, 2009

"A Moon for the Misbegotten" is one of my new favorite plays.

february 3, 2009

i want to grow my hair out to my shoulders and loose the short layers.

february 2, 2009

i need someone to fill this void.

february 1, 2009

i want to end the curiousity.

january 31, 2009

i want to leave something behind; i will be remembered.

january 30, 2009

it's possible; anything's possible.

january 28, 2009

i honestly don't have any ideas.


p.s. that clementine on my profile represents something.
but don't ask me what, because i won't tell you. it's for me.

january 27, 2009

i am so selfish. it's disgusting.

january 26, 2009

i want my piercings and my tattoo; i want physical proof of the change i'm making.

january 25, 2009

this weekend was nice, but it felt like something was missing.

january 22, 2009

i am so stressed. with everything.

january 21, 2009

this monologue is so...difficultly easy.

january 20, 2009

"to be at one of the hardest times in my life, and still be able to smile? that HAS to be God."

i don't want to think that God or someone else is to thank for any strength i have, because then it makes me feel like i couldn't do it myself. sometimes, we all need to stand on our own. i've always had an independant nature.

january 19, 2009

this was one of the best birthdays of my life.

january 16, 2008

i know you're mine,
all mine, all mine,
but you look so good it hurts sometimes.

january 14, 2009

it's crazy how many connections you make with people in times of crisis.

january 13, 2008

i'm going to be 18 next sunday :]

january 12, 2009

student directing Waiting for Godot will be a rewarding experience.

january 11, 2008

last night, i called Samaritans and i talked to a man who told me many of the same things everyone else else has. only, there was one thing that has stuck with me.

"you've learned from the experience, and that might be the only good that comes of it."

because this has been so trying for me, i keep expecting to come to some life-altering revelation. but, that's probably not going to happen. it's not that i'm giving up on anything or being pessimistic. i just have to start being more realistic.

i think the thing that helped the most was that he just talked to me. even though it was 1 in the morning, he didn't sound tired or irritated or anything. i felt like i knew him. i wish i had asked for his name when he asked for mine.

january 10, 2009

nope, not there yet.

january 9, 2008

TODAY WAS SO BAD.

january 8, 2009

*note: these are about different people.

1. all you do is recite. where's the feeling?

2. when i looked at you today, i felt like i didn't know you. like when you look at someone, and they look familiar, but you can't recall how you know them. it was strange.

january 7, 2008

i feel like i don't know myself anymore. so, how can i expect anyone else to want to? i have things i need to sort through before i'm ready for someone new. i can't hide from my problems behind someone else.

until i can devote all of my feelings to one person, i'm going to stay single.

january 6, 2008

well that was...unexpected. i don't know if i was ready for that. it threw me off.

january 4, 2008

i decided to test myself. i looked at the folder of pictures that devon told me not to look at. i looked at my favorite picture...my chest felt hollow, and my head spun, but i didn't cry.

january 3, 2009

resolution number one: open myself up to new things.

january 2, 2009

i want a girlfriend. eehhh.

january 1, 2009

well, this year started off horribly.