december 31, 2008

i need a mechanicsville.

december 29, 2008

i see the number 29 everywhere, because i'm not supposed to forget. i'm supposed to get used to remembering. i am, slowly. it's less painful.

i need someone.

december 26, 2008

today was normal.

december 25, 2008

i've been really good today; only one slip up, but i didn't cry.

december 24, 2008

i refuse to let this get the best of me.

december 23, 2008

i can feel everything slipping out from under me.

december 22, 2008

all this talk of depression and therapists is scaring me.

december 21, 2008

yes, yes that's it. i wish people would stop telling me what i need. yes, i know you've been through this before, and yes, i know you have more experience than me. but you know what? i'm not you. i'm shelby leigh bowen, and only i know what i need.

december 20, 2008

i miss how effortlessly happy i used to be. i miss my optimism. i miss being carefree. i miss never remembering the last time i'd cried. i miss hardly arguing with anyone. i miss being someone people could actually count on. i miss being confident. i miss being whole. i miss feeling pretty. i miss hardly ever being angry. i miss smiling without having to try. i miss being completely content with life. i miss laughing for no reason. i miss how i was.

and i wish i knew how to fix it.

december 18, 2008

the kind of support i want isn't the kind a friend can give. so, in essence, i'm screwed. it took me a little over seventeen years to get into a serious relationship; what are the chances it's going to happen again anytime soon?

december 17, 2008

i'm scared that i'll be going to prom alone.

december 16, 2008

....i don't think i can do this.

december 15, 2008

i miss you.

december 14, 2008

i wish jealousy had an off switch.

december 13, 2008

i'm sorry for being so off. i need to just...get over this.

december 12, 2008

it's moments like those that remind me how loosely i'm held together.

december 11, 2008

I JUST WANT TO--but I can't.

(if i want you to know, you'd already know
and, that's only one person.)

december 10, 2008

christie, i hope you're wrong about that. i really don't have the energy to deal with it.

december 9, 2008

you know what? kelsey's kind of cute.

there, i said it.

december 8, 2008

i love making peace with people. it's so refreshing.

december 7, 2008

i can actually go a few hours without thinking about you now. i'm hoping it'll stay like that after the show, too.

december 4, 2008

people interest me. i adore people-watching when i'm in public areas and i tend to be very observant of people, in general. sometimes it probably looks kind of creepy. i really enjoy studying the details of clothing, how hair falls, etc. in all of this careful observation, i tend to find people that i really want to take pictures of. however, i'm usually too shy to ask, for fear of sounding, well...creepy.

december 2, 2008

i'm actually really excited about christmas this year.

december 1, 2008

this month, everything will improve. i will pull myself together.