My heart & skull: October 2008

Wednesday

october 29, 2008

10.29.08.
would've been five. oh well.

i've been dreading this day. so much. i knew i'd fall apart all over again. my goal was 6, and we didn't make it.

Tuesday

i had a dream last night, and it was good. i've never remembered a dream so vivdily.

side note:
"october 1, 2008
i have this sinking feeling that this will be a bad month."
weird that it came completely true.

it was never aimed at anyone specific.

Monday

october 27, 2008

am i anything to anyone anymore? am i important? i feel like i never leave any impact. lashelle says my impact isn't like a car crash; it's a slow and lasting impression. i wish i could see it.

Sunday

october 26, 2008

...these 2 weeks have felt like 2 days. it still feels like it all happened yesterday.

Saturday

october 25, 2009

All I know is that you're so nice; you're the nicest thing I've seen. I wish that we could give it a go, see if we could be something. I wish I was your favourite girl. I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world. I wish I was your favourite smile. I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style. I wish you couldn't figure me out, but you always wanna know what I was about. I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset. I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met. I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly, 'cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see. Basically, I wish that you loved me. I wish that you needed me. I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. I wish that without me your heart would break. I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. I wish that without me you couldn't eat. I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep. All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen. I wish that we could see if we could be something.

...i'm sorry that i still feel like this.

kate nash - the nicest thing

Wednesday

october 22, 2008

i'm learning that i'm hard to manage at my worst. not only for myself, but for everyone. i'm at a point where i can't seem to really commit to moving on, but i hate where i am. part of me is still holding on. i need to let go, but i don't want to.

Tuesday

october 21, 2008

i'm happier when we're talking. i was joking around, and talking about everything like it was nothing. it's not nothing, but i was surprising myself.

but...old habits are hard to break.

Monday

october 20, 2008

i sleep with that box in the corner of my bed because, despite how angry that made me, i still miss you. and i want to talk to you, but i'm not ready to hear about her, or see you with her on a regular basis. i just can't make myself happy for you yet.

it'll be a while before i can be happy with someone else.

Sunday

october 19, 2008

i want to meet someone else, but it's hard to picture myself with someone else. either way, now is not the time.

Saturday

october 18, 2008

whenever i start thinking too much about everything that's happened, i get this nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach.

slightly more over it, but not there yet.

Thursday

october 16, 2008

when someone leaves after cheering me up, i can't manage to keep smiling once they leave.

Wednesday

october 15, 2008

today was the first time that i have ever gotten angry to the point of getting dizzy. i had to pull over when i was driving home.

Tuesday

october 14, 2008

i get jealous.
i'm still not over it.

(but i didn't cry today)

Monday

october 13, 2008

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home.

still not over it.